Marriage and Money

‘Money is the biggest cause of friction in a Marriage’ – David Woods

Just 8 years ago, today, I said ‘I do!

Did I know what I was getting into? Probably not!

I remember then that, I was so so excited to be getting married to this Edo man, despite the concerns all around about an inter-tribal marriage. Money was the least of my worries at the time. 

I remember thinking, I am marrying Idemudia, that is what is important but we were both NOT oblivious to the fact that there would be differences arising from the different expectation of our cultures.

I mean, I had consoled myself that people from the same tribe get divorced, so marrying from another tribe in itself was not the problem.

Regardless, many other things can cause friction in a marriage. Money is one of the top reasons people get divorced all over the world, with many studies, from legal firms and financial institutions alike, arguing it is the number one reason. That is alarming to know.

I am using today, especially being payday, to highlight the friction that money can cause in our relationships if not handled properly. I think it is important to share our success and failures, there are lessons in both of them!

Dave Ramsey said, ‘Marriage is an opportunity to reach unity in marriage. When couples work together, they can do anything’. That is the testimony my husband and I have from paying off our mortgage early and how we addressed other money problems we encountered.

Many of us would AVOID addressing the issues, and instead stick to our expectations of ‘how it should be’. But this was more dangerous than helpful often times. So here are 15 lessons (and counting) about money from my marriage:

 

1. How you both address the issue of money is likely to be different. It might be unrealistic to expect your wife or husband to behave exactly like you do, when it comes to how to handle money.

 

2. Few people learn about money from home, at school or at work. You and your spouse can help make better money decisions if both of you make an effort to be financially literate.

 

3.  Know and study your spouse’s money behaviour so you can compliment each other’s strength and weaknesses.

 

4. There is often a win-win solution when it comes to money. It is easier to find win-win situations when you think of each other and not yourself. Sometimes you might need to compromise on the battle today to win the war on divorce/separation tomorrow. Learn how to agree to disagree without it costing your relationship.

 

5. Hiding your income from your spouse often times might ‘protect’ you but it can also cause distrust and other problems.

 

6. It can be very helpful to plan together than to plan separately, even if it is for the family and for the future. When two agree, your effort is raised to the power of 10!

 

7. You or your spouse will each have a dream that comes at a cost; it is important to work together to support each other’s dream and address the cost of that dream to the family.

 

8. With money, it is ideal to have family money and personal money. Joint accounts are great, but we also need personal accounts as much as possible.

 

9. Decide what method of allocating money works best for you and your spouse, and not necessarily what you saw your parents or friends do. Couples are different.

 

10. Money is serious but do not take it too seriously, so it does not cost you your family. The pursuit of money has cost many people their family.

 

11. Do not avoid addressing the big money issue but doing this can take wisdom for both men and women.

 

12. It is important to share with your spouse before you take on any debt or loan.

 

13. Without effectively learning how to communicate about money without aggression, blaming or emotional bullying, you could be dangerously close to joining the statistics on divorce.

 

14. Life is not just for saving and investing, neither is it just for spending and enjoying. It is for all of the above. You just have the find the right balance that works for your family.

 

15. Learn about investing and start investing. Get the ‘Starter Investment Plan here.

 

Which of the above resonates with you? Share with me

Tolu Dima-Okojie.

Money Behaviour Strategist

Founder, Money Map Academy.